You know the end of it. Fear itself is scary, yes. The build up of anticipation when we know a cannon is about to shoot off. We cover our ears and squint our eyes. We tentatively walk into dark spaces with our arms reached out in front of us, eyes wide open, attempting to absorb what little light we can find.
Hearts race, hands get clammy, everything is tense.
I don’t think I actually fear…fear. I simply hate it. I hate the tension, how quick my mind races, and how fast my heart beats. Everything hurts.
I fear change. I truly do. I fear it because I hate it. I hold on to memories and the physical reminders of those memories most all the time. I can’t throw away pictures, notes, letters; even if they don’t mean anything to me anymore. I over-think the unlikely consequence of needing that information again. It’s a similar feeling to “Fear Of Missing Out” – but more like “Fear of Missing.”
We all face change everyday. Big and small. In the past year I’ve made many noteworthy changes – moving to a new city, living alone for the first time, being in the workforce, meeting new people, letting go of old friends. They’re all changes I made with a racing brain and wide eyes. I’m guilty of over thinking the changes that I am forced to make in my life, constantly second guessing myself. “Well what if…” is the phrase that I most commonly use, and I can never answer myself. It leads me to delay decisions, and stay in my comfortable, safe place.
But then sometimes I jump and take the risk. And as I’m reaching out, flying in the air, hoping that I’ll grab the swinging bar in front of me, my brain starts again. My heart races and I think “no. This was the wrong choice. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe I did it right. Or maybe I didn’t.”
Change happens. That’s the bottom line. It’s a matter of accepting it, slowing your heart rate, and letting it happen. Not all decisions are the right ones, and not all are the wrong ones, and that’s what we have to fear. Squint your eyes, tense your shoulders, and make a change.