I’ve been fairly off the grid lately, with just about everything. I slipped out of touch with friends, lost momentum on this blog, my emails, motivation in general, my workouts, eating right…just about everything.
Normally, I’m a fairly open book with this blog. I know a lot of you are people I’ve met once or twice, but some of you are strangers, which is kind of awesome. I hope somewhere, somehow, my blog has helped you, made you laugh, made you think, or helped you procrastinate. I really like sharing my life here; and even though I don’t know some of you, or you don’t care, it makes me feel better.
April has been a real mess for me. April fools, I guess. All month long. Now, even though I just explained that I really don’t mind sharing my life with all of you, this time, I’m not ready to.
But that’s not the point. The point is that my life truly feels like it’s crumbling. I encounter a problem, turn around, and find another one. It knocked me down, a little at a time, and I stopped fighting. I stopped trying to stand up, fight back, find the rainbow in the rain, cliche, cliche…blah. It’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt broken and defeated, unwilling to push myself and move on.
Let’s be real, my problems are problems, yes, but my life could be worse. This is something that rational Jackie remembers, but hysterical, broken Jackie often forgets.
So, I look around. I look to the people who I lean on often; the ones that know me, all parts of me, even some parts that I don’t share on this blog. I leaned on them hard, and it was too hard. I was angry and sad and lost, and all of a sudden I was taking that out on the people closest to me. It felt awful; even more awful than I already felt.
I wish I could end this blog with something positive. I wish I could say, “but then I took a look at all the great things in my life, and drank some tea and it was all better.” I can’t say those things, not yet, no matter how much tea I drink. It’s still raining and pouring here, but I have my umbrella now. And even if it turns inside out in the storm, I know I have some great people who will loan me theirs.
This past month, and this past week especially, I’ve been loaned a lot of umbrellas. I stubbornly stood with it unopened above my head, complaining that I was getting wet…complaining to the ones who loaned it to me in the first place. Now, it’s time to stop complaining, open the umbrella, and wait for the rainbow.